Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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