Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
