Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
