i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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