he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
