We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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