you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
