farters have to be the big spoon...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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