im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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