Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
