Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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