i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
