my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
