put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
