I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
