I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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