I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
