a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
