You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We need to get me chipped asap
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
