my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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