I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
