just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize