They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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