i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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