I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
