I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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