I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
