i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
