I want to make a zoo with you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We are all done wearing pants today
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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