I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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