Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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