i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
