I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize