OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
