The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
