I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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