dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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