Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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