Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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