Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both

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(631): View more from New York

Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(310): View more from California

i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets

(818): View more from California

julia child would be proud.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.

(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think he can smell the vodka?

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(585): View more from New York

If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.

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(512): View more from Texas

He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered

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