I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
