Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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