I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize