nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
