I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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