I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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