Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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