The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
