Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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