The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
