I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
