btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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