Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
