don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
