I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
